Mythological Black women of FB

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Occasionally in the world of Facebook, you’ll come across these stories about despicable women. These are meant to be cautionary tales to as my friend Stephanie put so eloquently, “dictate what Black womanhood should or should not.” The only real allies Black women have are each other and sometimes not even. There some desperate broads who will throw you under a fleet of CTA buses to get in the good graces of men. That’s another tale for another day….

 

I’m pretty convinced these are figments of some butthurt dude’s imagination who just got rejected by a woman who had the nerve to not want to date him. Who knows? Here’s my list of women I don’t think really exist and if they do…they’re the minority. If you actually know this woman (not secondhand stories), do tell in the comments.

 

1. Groupon hater – When le bew gets a Groupon, date night is about to get kicked up a notch. I’ve heard stories of sisters who threw more shade than a parasol over their date using a Groupon. Umm…some of the nicest places offer Groupon and if you can get a nice dinner for the cheap, why not? It shows he’s smart with money, no? How shallow do you have to be to get offended by a discounted price? What part of the unreasonable petty game is that? You’re not paying but you’re pissed about how he paid. Doesn’t even make sense. Nice try, Butthurt McGurt.

 

2. Welfare Ballers- Last time I checked, Saks, Nordstrom, Gucci nor Louis Vuitton takes EBT, so miss me with these stories about people on welfare having designer bags when  you see them use food stamps. Knock off designer bags copped from the beauty supply but nothing that comes with a certificate and dust bag. I’m not anti-welfare because those who need it eclipse those who abuse it. The amount of money they are allotted each month is not enough for a luxury lifestyle. I’m sure they do the best with what they have but copping $700 handbags…I ain’t going. Yeah, getting those taxes snatched every check hurts but I don’t mind having street lights and fire fighters. The biggest welfare queens are corporations not a person who needs to feed their kids because they got laid off.

 

3. Education as a weapon – I get so tired of Black women being told such conflicting BS. One minute it’s stop dating thugs and rough necks who drag you down, the next it’s your standards are too high. Too many times, degreed sister are being told that they use their education as weapons against potential mates. The point of going to college is to learn more than you knew before and have a chance at a good job in your field of choice. It is not meant to be used as leverage against men. FOH! I know women who have more corporate jobs who are in loving relationships with blue collar men. Blue collar aka job having LOL. Of course a woman who has a rising career doesn’t want to give Jody her car to drive around while she works all day. C’mon now. Steve Harvey and his front lace mustache can keep telling you to lower your standards if he wants to but you have every right to want to date someone you’re compatible with.

 

4. Women HATE each other- Bull and shit. I see nothing but declarations of love and sisterhood all the time. From memes about good, clean fun together to booty tooting on club pictures, women love each other. Hell, on my birthday…my girls gave me the most loving and heartfelt messages. I’ve seen men shade and steal from each other. I have a circle of friends who encourage and empower each other and I think we’re the norm. The catty, hateful woman is a stereotype… Sapphire specifically.

So yeah. A lot of that shit is some bullshit. If you’re a Black woman and you share a note bashing note or meme, I’m going to assume you’re desperate and just trying to get chose. If you co-sign to sexism to get you a man, you’re good as a doormat.  If you’re a dude, well I kind of expect that but still think critically before you hit send.

If I’m wrong, I’m a fan of being right. So school me in the comments section…..

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Super Human Robot Cuban

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Yasiel Puig is an Apple product.

I don’t care that my theory doesn’t make a lick of sense. I don’t give not a nary fuck.

 

Now that LA is my permanent home, I’ve decided to throw myself into the culture. I still have my Midwestern warmth and I’m eternally wrapped in Chicago’s fabric of hate but LA is where I live. First thing I had to do was find me a team. That was easy. I don’t care about basketball. Even if they did have a football team, I bleed navy and orange. I have no loyalty to the Cubs (Southside til I die), so Dodgers it was. One thing you’ll learn about me, I like sports for the right and wrong reasons. The right reason in this case is baseball is just a good game, especially in person. The wrong reason was:

 

 

Fine as hot combed frog hair, isn’t he? He’s Matt Kemp. He’s a good player (when he’s not injured) and fun to look at. The beginning of this season, the Dodgers were sucking…in last place even. Out of nowhere comes Yasiel Puig. He escaped from Cuba, lived in Mexico for a bit and became a Dodger last year. Now they tawnbout, they didn’t know if he was ready. Meanwhile, in real life, this dude hit 2 homeruns in his second game.

 

Ok, now see….

We rarely see him out and about…leads me to my theory. I think Puig is a robot, possibly powered by Apple. Magic Johnson copped him with all the money he made from his Starbucks. He’s an excellent outfield, smart and strong hitter and I doubt he’s completely human. When he makes errors that simply means the servers are down. When he’s not playing, he’s charging. You know how long it takes an iPad to charge so you know Puigbot takes much longer.

If it ever comes out in a scandal later, you heard it here first!

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Build-a-Boo Workshop

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From time to time, a woman might express her loneliness or impatience in finding a mate on social networks. I get that. Some times your Facebook page or Twitter account are your outlet to say what’s on your mind at that moment. What irritates me to not end is the “God is going to make a man just for you” reply that almost always comes after. This is not Build-a-Bear Workshop, that’s number 1. Relationships are work and there’s no person tailor made for you. You have to compromise, sacrifice and bend some. There will be miscommunications, disagreements and even disappointments. There has to be something in that person that you know, it’s all worth it. Every bit of work you put it should be rewarding. The ups gotta outweigh the downs. Your relationship has to be an investment of time and energy with a great return.

While it’s hard to believe people are still believing in fairy tales in their adulthood, it’s pretty obvious. The divorce rate is sky high for a reason. I think people go into it expecting to live happily ever after, not realizing the work it takes. Maybe it’s expecting a person to be this custom model mate who is supposed to fall in line with your inner most desires. Even if the person has the personality traits and aesthetics you prefer, there’s still effort involved.

Don’t let people police your feelings. You can still be a confident and happy person who gets lonesome. Mostly, don’t go expecting this Nike ID ass mate because somebody spent you for FB likes and retweets.

 

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oh hai

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You’re here, I’m pleased. I really dig your company….

 

I’m a Chicago native living in sunny Southern California. Yes, it does rain. My blog will be like Seinfeld…a blog about nothing…and everything. I have being random down to an artform, so why not frame and display it.

 

A few things:

  1. I swear a lot. I believe cursed ideas are a whole helluva lot worse than curse words.

  2. I love Chicago and you will hear about it.

  3. I don’t like to edit myself.

  4. I don’t mean to offend people but I do. My bad…kinda.

  5. I’m harsh on religion. I’m talking gloves off harsh.

  6. I’m unapologetically Black.

  7. I’m a womanist. Ovaries over brovaries.

  8. I will fight a pack of wolves over my Gram.

  9. My sister is my heart.

  10. I’m sensitive

  11. My spelling is pretty okay but grammar..meh. I type faster than I think.

  12. It’ll be most light hearted around these parts but there will be some serious posts about race, colorism and sexism from time to time.

  13. I have the best friends any girl could ask for.

  14. I love my boo.

  15. I’m a natural hair advocate.

  16. I’m running out of stuff

Blog posts will come about once a week.

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