I’m never ascribed to the “ignorance is bliss” theory. There’s no reason to not know anything with so much accessible information. Granted, I’ve been snipped at by elders for being “intelligent” and laughably seen people get offended by my extend vocab but never felt the need to dumb myself down for anyone. Ever.

However, there are some things in life I wish I didn’t know. You know how once you see something you can’t unsee it. Wrote a list about it, like to read, here it go:

(no specific order)

1. Hulk Hogan’s sex tape. Man listen, I could beat curiosity’s ass for this one. Hulk Hogan is one of those figures that just takes me on the express train back to childhood, brother. Unfortuanely, someone posted an article with a link on FB…I was. not. thinking. Ugh, I know far too much about Hollywood Hulk. (emphasis on: TOO MUCH)

2. Food deserts and insecurity. The difference between grocers in one neck of the woods to another is damn near ridiculous. One of the major reasons why I refused to move to one hood to another was food. I lived in the Woodlawn neighborhood briefly and went to the corner store to get some milk for a recipe. The store had the following: pop, fake juice called Mr. Pure, lotto tickets, chips and melted cheese for your chips. Umm really? Meanwhile, I’ve gone to corner stores in Lincoln Park and found brie and organic fruit. Most people don’t care that grocers don’t respect them enough to provide fresh produce, meat and canned goods that aren’t expired. I wish I was oblivious to it, really. Finding out that school lunch is the only meal some kids get a day makes me sad in a real way. I HATED school lunches in public school (until I got to Jones HS). With SNAP benefits being cut, I can’t help but think about how many kids are suffering and hungry. Grrr.

3. These damn gray hairs right in the front of my head. I have a reverse Cruella Deville patch and I hate it so much. I’m far from vain but my grays age me. It’s bad enough I’m at that wacky age where no one really makes clothes for me. Juniors look too young and misses look too old. I obsess far too much about looking old even though I’m sans wrinkles. I like to use black color (shout of to racially insensitively named Bigen Oriental Black hair dye) because it covers my grays so well. Yet, the grays are popping against the dark hair when they grow in. Woe is me, dammit. I always zero in on those 8 strands of hair (yes I counted) and it drives me bonkers!

4. How men perpetuate colorism more than ANYBODY. I don’t have enough time nor do I feel like dedicating enough keystrokes necessary to unpack this but men got this shit bad. Women cut eyes at each other, drag each other in forums, get defensive…basically over men’s standards of beauty. When are we going to learn to stop letting them throw the rock and hide their hands? Chicks stay compromising the value of sisterhood over the attention/affection of somebody’s son. Do better, ladies.

5. The bloodlust to harm children. There’s nothing topic I’m not going to go mad deep into now but there was a rash of evolved slave beatings under the guise of discipline that went viral. Most people said “if that was my daughter, I’d beat the shit out of her, etc, etc” but nobody once said “I’m not worried about my child doing (insert stupid thing) because I’ve taught her better than that and to love and value herself.” Nope, not a one. Telling isn’t it?

6. When people who I think are otherwise smart show me how incredibly gullible they can be. I think growing up in church, I had a ringside seat to scare tactics. I know the scare you from getting knowledge horse and pony show when I see it. I’m so sadden by the Chicken Littleism that the internet has created. I know it’s an escape. I also a way for people to not have to responsibility to their actions and/or inactions. Still sucks to see though, it makes me feel like I’m in Guyana seeing people I care about drink the koolaid.

7. Leggings as pants. I know I’m treading the line of respectability politics but shit…c’mon, son. It’s one thing to have a showing panty line but do I need to see all of your pannies though? Leggings look best with a tunic or if they are a quality pair that look tasteful.

8. Luxury items that are so out of my price range. Gotdamn you, Louis Vuitton Neverfull..you bastard. You too Goyard tote!

So there’s my list for now, this might become a series. As you can see, much like my moody ass, some are serious and some are more lighthearted. What do you wish you could unsee or unknow?

Problematic.

Why must people be on such fuck shit? Oh social networks, you never cease to amaze me with those grand displays of codependence. This this ass backwards way of think valid because of the words over a stock photo of Beyonce and JayZ? You know that very private couple who only allows the public glimpses of their relationship. I feel like Mugatu…I’ve been taking crazy pills. This kind of thinking is unhealthy!

Let’s unpack this though:

This whole thing reeks of insecurity and neediness. You can’t have trust without privacy. I don’t care in love you are, you’re entitled to some privacy. Unless you plan to merge into your significant other, you need some interests of your own. My SO and I have open computers, devices and such around with zero desire to invade each other’s privacy. We have phone conversations where we both have to step out of the room. I don’t assume the worst and neither does he because we trust each other. I trust my instincts above everything.

This “I’ll do whatever you want” tone is annoying. Compromise is everything in a relationship. You don’t have to dim your light to allow someone else’s to shine. You can’t possibly be satisfied like that. Being faithful to someone doesn’t require losing yourself in the process. C’mon, son.

So yeah go ahead and try to function in a relationship with no trust and privacy…let me know how that works out for you.

As I wished her a happy birthday, I felt a familiar emotion. Longing.  I hate to miss people. I get a flash flood of memories and I feel like crap for the whole rest of the day. Not trying to live my life looking in the rearview mirror but I wish I could turn back time. I don’t have many regrets and I try to rationalize the ones I do have. This one I can’t really rationalize. I spent much of my life in a haze back then. I was in various states of infatuation, intoxication and insecurity. I had an uncanny ability to ignore the worst in people and live this Polyanna existence. It was a way to try and remedy the rough patches of my childhood. I was horrible at protecting my spirit knowing full well how sensitive I am. That combination of factors created a perfect storm and I lost something valuable.

I remember walking away from the MAC counter with her birthday gift in hand. Chestnut lip liner and Oh Baby lipglass. This paled in comparison to the gift of friendship she gave me. A person who absolutely understood me, even the parts I never revealed to others. Marathons of movies, traded booked and magazines, inside jokes and new words to our lexicons. We bonded over those long train rides after work but I know this friendship was willed into existence by our mutual friends. Started by mutual friendship and damaged by mutual friendship.

Some people thrive on chaos. I ignored the signs of resentment and various negative factors for a chance at freedom that I never experienced before. Friendships before this one were so full of judgment. I never felt free enough to leave my buttoned up existence as my darkest moments were thrown in my face. Sharks smelled the blood in the water and created chaos. While those friendships ran their course, they could’ve been done decently. Never again, I said. Just like that, I went from caution to recklessness. My biggest regret, bringing a friendship that was pure into a place I knew wasn’t. On the surface, I was happy that we were meshing well but deep down I feared history would repeat itself. It did and I allowed it. I could see the signs, felt the divide and played dumb. That Pollyana shit coupled with the 3’s company theory, I gambled and lost. The only person I can blame is myself. Naivete along with that aforementioned haze and down right stupidity caused this. Things escalated quickly and I wanted to be shocked but deep down I saw it coming. Chaos. I threw my harmony into chaos on some greedy shit. My friends can be your friends and we’ll all be the best of friends. I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

Things are much better, forgiveness and hugs. I still can’t help but think about how I put our sisterhood in harms way. On her birthday, I played the song we heard and said in unison, “I love this song.” I miss her. More importantly, I miss us. I’d give anything to have another delirious laugh seeing the sun after being out all night.

When I was a little girl, my 2 neighbors knocked me off of my big wheel and put in their porch. Everytime, I tried to go up the stairs and get it, they threw rocks at me. The logical thing would’ve been to go tell my mom to go over to Mrs. Crowley’s house and get it. I was about 6 or 7 and that was asking too much. I went in my yard, grabbed our collie mix by the collar and walked her to the porch. I knew Tippie was mean (much like the Yorkie that was later named after her) to strangers. I turned her loose, she ran up on the porch and then chased them. Needless to say, I got in a WORLD of trouble. When I asked how could boys who I thought were my friends do such a thing, my mom told me, “they just like you.” Problematic.

For years, I thought being mistreated was a part of being a relationship. I rationalized getting all dressed up and then stood up with the same reason of getting my hair pulled by friend’s cousin. I spent a huge bulk of my 20s in love with someone who was nice to everybody but me. Simply because of the wack ass conditioning. The book and movie, “He’s not that into you” went hard on the excuses we make for getting treated like shit. I read it and so many of the scenarios were all off up in my business…still didn’t have a lightbulb moment. It took having a single moment of feeling so hurt, I could barely breathe. I know it wasn’t supposed to be like that. It wasn’t right. So many ideals and traditions that were passed down from patriarchal to patriarchal ass generation were dead wrong. Love won’t always be rainbows and glittery unicorn farts but you should never be purposely hurt.

Stop telling daughters “oh he likes you” when someone’s bonehead son mistreats her. Tell her that he’s a doucher in training who is being mean to her because he lacks home training. Just don’t have another generation of women who think being a doormat is acceptable.