I’m convinced this shit is biological. Perhaps, my body is fucking with me because I haven’t put a baby in it.

I love babies, don’t get me wrong. They’re cute and cuddly. They have little bitty clothes and shoes with ducks and bears on them. All you want to do is make them coo and laugh. My cousins, Hailee and Bailee, make my heart explode into a million pieces of joy confetti.

Here’s the thing though…they grow up. They are people with personalities. You have to make extreme sacrifices for their benefit and welfare. Their happiness takes more than a funny face or peek-a-boo. They’re expensive with their tuitions, ever growing bodies, activities and such. Children require time and resources that I just don’t have right now. I’m glad I realize that but damn it sucks from time to time. In my quiet moments, I wonder if I missed the boat. I wonder/worry about what kind of mother I’ll be. There are times when I see a baby and my uterus aches. The lowest moments are when I go looking at baby clothes on the Ralph Lauren website after a few well poured cocktails. I’m just venting…don’t cry for me, Argentina.

I like kids on an individual basis and not in packs. Lazy parents with unruly kids make me want to punch them in the throat. I still haven’t developed that amount of patience that will keep me from being that mom who comes outside in a robe to pop off at bullies. I’m also still delusional enough to think I’ll never feed my future kids any processed food. In my head, I envision myself making homemade Oreos and making organic bento lunches. I’ve given my future children perfectly ambiguous resume names. I’m going to perfect my “wait until your father gets home” for the days I’m not in the mood for the fuckery. Oh and I fucks with Doc McStuffins. I will sit down with a scotch and watch a whole episode. Shole will. I just might do alright at this Momma thing.

See though, I like sleeping until 10 on Sundays. I enjoy our spontaneous carpe diem dates and activities. My passport needs some stamps, dammit! I like to drink at home on the weekend. All the baby clothes I like are out of my budget. Most of the songs I like to play loudly aren’t appropriate for  impressionable kids. I like to spend my extra money on brunch and mani/pedis. I’m miserable when I eat too much, can I really grow a human? I can but a little later….

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. I know, I know LOL. Even though my body is impatient, I’ve always been a big fan of good timing.