I’m never ascribed to the “ignorance is bliss” theory. There’s no reason to not know anything with so much accessible information. Granted, I’ve been snipped at by elders for being “intelligent” and laughably seen people get offended by my extend vocab but never felt the need to dumb myself down for anyone. Ever.

However, there are some things in life I wish I didn’t know. You know how once you see something you can’t unsee it. Wrote a list about it, like to read, here it go:

(no specific order)

1. Hulk Hogan’s sex tape. Man listen, I could beat curiosity’s ass for this one. Hulk Hogan is one of those figures that just takes me on the express train back to childhood, brother. Unfortuanely, someone posted an article with a link on FB…I was. not. thinking. Ugh, I know far too much about Hollywood Hulk. (emphasis on: TOO MUCH)

2. Food deserts and insecurity. The difference between grocers in one neck of the woods to another is damn near ridiculous. One of the major reasons why I refused to move to one hood to another was food. I lived in the Woodlawn neighborhood briefly and went to the corner store to get some milk for a recipe. The store had the following: pop, fake juice called Mr. Pure, lotto tickets, chips and melted cheese for your chips. Umm really? Meanwhile, I’ve gone to corner stores in Lincoln Park and found brie and organic fruit. Most people don’t care that grocers don’t respect them enough to provide fresh produce, meat and canned goods that aren’t expired. I wish I was oblivious to it, really. Finding out that school lunch is the only meal some kids get a day makes me sad in a real way. I HATED school lunches in public school (until I got to Jones HS). With SNAP benefits being cut, I can’t help but think about how many kids are suffering and hungry. Grrr.

3. These damn gray hairs right in the front of my head. I have a reverse Cruella Deville patch and I hate it so much. I’m far from vain but my grays age me. It’s bad enough I’m at that wacky age where no one really makes clothes for me. Juniors look too young and misses look too old. I obsess far too much about looking old even though I’m sans wrinkles. I like to use black color (shout of to racially insensitively named Bigen Oriental Black hair dye) because it covers my grays so well. Yet, the grays are popping against the dark hair when they grow in. Woe is me, dammit. I always zero in on those 8 strands of hair (yes I counted) and it drives me bonkers!

4. How men perpetuate colorism more than ANYBODY. I don’t have enough time nor do I feel like dedicating enough keystrokes necessary to unpack this but men got this shit bad. Women cut eyes at each other, drag each other in forums, get defensive…basically over men’s standards of beauty. When are we going to learn to stop letting them throw the rock and hide their hands? Chicks stay compromising the value of sisterhood over the attention/affection of somebody’s son. Do better, ladies.

5. The bloodlust to harm children. There’s nothing topic I’m not going to go mad deep into now but there was a rash of evolved slave beatings under the guise of discipline that went viral. Most people said “if that was my daughter, I’d beat the shit out of her, etc, etc” but nobody once said “I’m not worried about my child doing (insert stupid thing) because I’ve taught her better than that and to love and value herself.” Nope, not a one. Telling isn’t it?

6. When people who I think are otherwise smart show me how incredibly gullible they can be. I think growing up in church, I had a ringside seat to scare tactics. I know the scare you from getting knowledge horse and pony show when I see it. I’m so sadden by the Chicken Littleism that the internet has created. I know it’s an escape. I also a way for people to not have to responsibility to their actions and/or inactions. Still sucks to see though, it makes me feel like I’m in Guyana seeing people I care about drink the koolaid.

7. Leggings as pants. I know I’m treading the line of respectability politics but shit…c’mon, son. It’s one thing to have a showing panty line but do I need to see all of your pannies though? Leggings look best with a tunic or if they are a quality pair that look tasteful.

8. Luxury items that are so out of my price range. Gotdamn you, Louis Vuitton Neverfull..you bastard. You too Goyard tote!

So there’s my list for now, this might become a series. As you can see, much like my moody ass, some are serious and some are more lighthearted. What do you wish you could unsee or unknow?

Problematic.

Why must people be on such fuck shit? Oh social networks, you never cease to amaze me with those grand displays of codependence. This this ass backwards way of think valid because of the words over a stock photo of Beyonce and JayZ? You know that very private couple who only allows the public glimpses of their relationship. I feel like Mugatu…I’ve been taking crazy pills. This kind of thinking is unhealthy!

Let’s unpack this though:

This whole thing reeks of insecurity and neediness. You can’t have trust without privacy. I don’t care in love you are, you’re entitled to some privacy. Unless you plan to merge into your significant other, you need some interests of your own. My SO and I have open computers, devices and such around with zero desire to invade each other’s privacy. We have phone conversations where we both have to step out of the room. I don’t assume the worst and neither does he because we trust each other. I trust my instincts above everything.

This “I’ll do whatever you want” tone is annoying. Compromise is everything in a relationship. You don’t have to dim your light to allow someone else’s to shine. You can’t possibly be satisfied like that. Being faithful to someone doesn’t require losing yourself in the process. C’mon, son.

So yeah go ahead and try to function in a relationship with no trust and privacy…let me know how that works out for you.

As I wished her a happy birthday, I felt a familiar emotion. Longing.  I hate to miss people. I get a flash flood of memories and I feel like crap for the whole rest of the day. Not trying to live my life looking in the rearview mirror but I wish I could turn back time. I don’t have many regrets and I try to rationalize the ones I do have. This one I can’t really rationalize. I spent much of my life in a haze back then. I was in various states of infatuation, intoxication and insecurity. I had an uncanny ability to ignore the worst in people and live this Polyanna existence. It was a way to try and remedy the rough patches of my childhood. I was horrible at protecting my spirit knowing full well how sensitive I am. That combination of factors created a perfect storm and I lost something valuable.

I remember walking away from the MAC counter with her birthday gift in hand. Chestnut lip liner and Oh Baby lipglass. This paled in comparison to the gift of friendship she gave me. A person who absolutely understood me, even the parts I never revealed to others. Marathons of movies, traded booked and magazines, inside jokes and new words to our lexicons. We bonded over those long train rides after work but I know this friendship was willed into existence by our mutual friends. Started by mutual friendship and damaged by mutual friendship.

Some people thrive on chaos. I ignored the signs of resentment and various negative factors for a chance at freedom that I never experienced before. Friendships before this one were so full of judgment. I never felt free enough to leave my buttoned up existence as my darkest moments were thrown in my face. Sharks smelled the blood in the water and created chaos. While those friendships ran their course, they could’ve been done decently. Never again, I said. Just like that, I went from caution to recklessness. My biggest regret, bringing a friendship that was pure into a place I knew wasn’t. On the surface, I was happy that we were meshing well but deep down I feared history would repeat itself. It did and I allowed it. I could see the signs, felt the divide and played dumb. That Pollyana shit coupled with the 3’s company theory, I gambled and lost. The only person I can blame is myself. Naivete along with that aforementioned haze and down right stupidity caused this. Things escalated quickly and I wanted to be shocked but deep down I saw it coming. Chaos. I threw my harmony into chaos on some greedy shit. My friends can be your friends and we’ll all be the best of friends. I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

Things are much better, forgiveness and hugs. I still can’t help but think about how I put our sisterhood in harms way. On her birthday, I played the song we heard and said in unison, “I love this song.” I miss her. More importantly, I miss us. I’d give anything to have another delirious laugh seeing the sun after being out all night.

When I was a little girl, my 2 neighbors knocked me off of my big wheel and put in their porch. Everytime, I tried to go up the stairs and get it, they threw rocks at me. The logical thing would’ve been to go tell my mom to go over to Mrs. Crowley’s house and get it. I was about 6 or 7 and that was asking too much. I went in my yard, grabbed our collie mix by the collar and walked her to the porch. I knew Tippie was mean (much like the Yorkie that was later named after her) to strangers. I turned her loose, she ran up on the porch and then chased them. Needless to say, I got in a WORLD of trouble. When I asked how could boys who I thought were my friends do such a thing, my mom told me, “they just like you.” Problematic.

For years, I thought being mistreated was a part of being a relationship. I rationalized getting all dressed up and then stood up with the same reason of getting my hair pulled by friend’s cousin. I spent a huge bulk of my 20s in love with someone who was nice to everybody but me. Simply because of the wack ass conditioning. The book and movie, “He’s not that into you” went hard on the excuses we make for getting treated like shit. I read it and so many of the scenarios were all off up in my business…still didn’t have a lightbulb moment. It took having a single moment of feeling so hurt, I could barely breathe. I know it wasn’t supposed to be like that. It wasn’t right. So many ideals and traditions that were passed down from patriarchal to patriarchal ass generation were dead wrong. Love won’t always be rainbows and glittery unicorn farts but you should never be purposely hurt.

Stop telling daughters “oh he likes you” when someone’s bonehead son mistreats her. Tell her that he’s a doucher in training who is being mean to her because he lacks home training. Just don’t have another generation of women who think being a doormat is acceptable.

So just so you know….

New blog posts come out on Wednesday at noon, PST. Most of my blogs are written way ahead of time and are scheduled. There might be a current event that I’ll want to talk about immediately. If that happens, I’ll announce it via social networks.

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Occasionally in the world of Facebook, you’ll come across these stories about despicable women. These are meant to be cautionary tales to as my friend Stephanie put so eloquently, “dictate what Black womanhood should or should not.” The only real allies Black women have are each other and sometimes not even. There some desperate broads who will throw you under a fleet of CTA buses to get in the good graces of men. That’s another tale for another day….

I’m pretty convinced these are figments of some butthurt dude’s imagination who just got rejected by a woman who had the nerve to not want to date him. Who knows? Here’s my list of women I don’t think really exist and if they do…they’re the minority. If you actually know this woman (not secondhand stories), do tell in the comments.

1. Groupon hater – When le bew gets a Groupon, date night is about to get kicked up a notch. I’ve heard stories of sisters who threw more shade than a parasol over their date using a Groupon. Umm…some of the nicest places offer Groupon and if you can get a nice dinner for the cheap, why not? It shows he’s smart with money, no? How shallow do you have to be to get offended by a discounted price? What part of the unreasonable petty game is that? You’re not paying but you’re pissed about how he paid. Doesn’t even make sense. Nice try, Butthurt McGurt.

2. Welfare Ballers- Last time I checked, Saks, Nordstrom, Gucci nor Louis Vuitton takes EBT, so miss me with these stories about people on welfare having designer bags when  you see them use food stamps. Knock off designer bags copped from the beauty supply but nothing that comes with a certificate and dust bag. I’m not anti-welfare because those who need it eclipse those who abuse it. The amount of money they are allotted each month is not enough for a luxury lifestyle. I’m sure they do the best with what they have but copping $700 handbags…I ain’t going. Yeah, getting those taxes snatched every check hurts but I don’t mind having street lights and fire fighters. The biggest welfare queens are corporations not a person who needs to feed their kids because they got laid off.

3. Education as a weapon – I get so tired of Black women being told such conflicting BS. One minute it’s stop dating thugs and rough necks who drag you down, the next it’s your standards are too high. Too many times, degreed sister are being told that they use their education as weapons against potential mates. The point of going to college is to learn more than you knew before and have a chance at a good job in your field of choice. It is not meant to be used as leverage against men. FOH! I know women who have more corporate jobs who are in loving relationships with blue collar men. Blue collar aka job having LOL. Of course a woman who has a rising career doesn’t want to give Jody her car to drive around while she works all day. C’mon now. Steve Harvey and his front lace mustache can keep telling you to lower your standards if he wants to but you have every right to want to date someone you’re compatible with.

4. Women HATE each other- Bull and shit. I see nothing but declarations of love and sisterhood all the time. From memes about good, clean fun together to booty tooting on club pictures, women love each other. Hell, on my birthday…my girls gave me the most loving and heartfelt messages. I’ve seen men shade and steal from each other. I have a circle of friends who encourage and empower each other and I think we’re the norm. The catty, hateful woman is a stereotype… Sapphire specifically.

So yeah. A lot of that shit is some bullshit. If you’re a Black woman and you share a note bashing note or meme, I’m going to assume you’re desperate and just trying to get chose. If you co-sign to sexism to get you a man, you’re good as a doormat.  If you’re a dude, well I kind of expect that but still think critically before you hit send.

If I’m wrong, I’m a fan of being right. So school me in the comments section…..

Yasiel Puig is an Apple product.

I don’t care that my theory doesn’t make a lick of sense. I don’t give not a nary fuck.

Now that LA is my permanent home, I’ve decided to throw myself into the culture. I still have my Midwestern warmth and I’m eternally wrapped in Chicago’s fabric of hate but LA is where I live. First thing I had to do was find me a team. That was easy. I don’t care about basketball. Even if they did have a football team, I bleed navy and orange. I have no loyalty to the Cubs (Southside til I die), so Dodgers it was. One thing you’ll learn about me, I like sports for the right and wrong reasons. The right reason in this case is baseball is just a good game, especially in person. The wrong reason was:

Fine as hot combed frog hair, isn’t he? He’s Matt Kemp. He’s a good player (when he’s not injured) and fun to look at. The beginning of this season, the Dodgers were sucking…in last place even. Out of nowhere comes Yasiel Puig. He escaped from Cuba, lived in Mexico for a bit and became a Dodger last year. Now they tawnbout, they didn’t know if he was ready. Meanwhile, in real life, this dude hit 2 homeruns in his second game.

Ok, now see….

We rarely see him out and about…leads me to my theory. I think Puig is a robot, possibly powered by Apple. Magic Johnson copped him with all the money he made from his Starbucks. He’s an excellent outfield, smart and strong hitter and I doubt he’s completely human. When he makes errors that simply means the servers are down. When he’s not playing, he’s charging. You know how long it takes an iPad to charge so you know Puigbot takes much longer.

If it ever comes out in a scandal later, you heard it here first!