Super Human Robot Cuban

Yasiel Puig is an Apple product.

I don’t care that my theory doesn’t make a lick of sense. I don’t give not a nary fuck.


Now that LA is my permanent home, I’ve decided to throw myself into the culture. I still have my Midwestern warmth and I’m eternally wrapped in Chicago’s fabric of hate but LA is where I live. First thing I had to do was find me a team. That was easy. I don’t care about basketball. Even if they did have a football team, I bleed navy and orange. I have no loyalty to the Cubs (Southside til I die), so Dodgers it was. One thing you’ll learn about me, I like sports for the right and wrong reasons. The right reason in this case is baseball is just a good game, especially in person. The wrong reason was:



Fine as hot combed frog hair, isn’t he? He’s Matt Kemp. He’s a good player (when he’s not injured) and fun to look at. The beginning of this season, the Dodgers were sucking…in last place even. Out of nowhere comes Yasiel Puig. He escaped from Cuba, lived in Mexico for a bit and became a Dodger last year. Now they tawnbout, they didn’t know if he was ready. Meanwhile, in real life, this dude hit 2 homeruns in his second game.


Ok, now see….

We rarely see him out and about…leads me to my theory. I think Puig is a robot, possibly powered by Apple. Magic Johnson copped him with all the money he made from his Starbucks. He’s an excellent outfield, smart and strong hitter and I doubt he’s completely human. When he makes errors that simply means the servers are down. When he’s not playing, he’s charging. You know how long it takes an iPad to charge so you know Puigbot takes much longer.

If it ever comes out in a scandal later, you heard it here first!

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